Of gold and dust

I had a few friends once
Today I have none

I was stubborn
I wouldn’t need them
I am meant to thrive alone
That’s what I told myself

I didn’t miss them
I hated them
They had all gone
They had girlfriends, friends and happiness
I was left with the sum total of nothing

At first, I thought I had everything
They had become too intrinsic a part of me
I wanted to begin anew, I liked fresh starts
They were overbearing
And freeing myself of them would mean living life as someone else
I was made for that kind of an adventure
I saw all that was good and nice and glorious about it.
I saw and it and I was seduced by it.
If there was something known as pure, naked desire, this was it,
A new life at 25.
Minus the burdens of shitting in your diapers, drinking milk and attending school
In my head, it was a well thought out plan
Go here, or maybe there
Talk to these people, they seem fun
Or maybe to those ones, they’re sharp and knowledgeable, the kind whose company I need to grow
Soon, I had a rollicking social life
My job was great
Following your passion – isn’t that what cool people do?
A wife and kids too
I loved playing golf at 48 by the way
And my Porsche.
Most importantly, no one at all to tell me what to do and what not to
All me, all the fucking narcissist me.

But, as you would know now,
Going by the horribly sad tone of this poem,
It never panned out like this.

My life wasn’t about a lovely family, a glamorous job, a chill social life, expensive cars and private pools
It wasn’t the life a kid would seek
It was the life he wouldn’t want to live.

I didn’t wake up in lavish rooms too cold with the best ACs around
But sweating in the heat, wearing faded, short t-shirts and torn boxers
I didn’t have LED televisions
I had a pint sized box whose most common state was one of black and white lines and a whirring sound
My job was not my passion, I didn’t sing for money
Actually I did, for change from people busy talking on the phone while rushing from one street to another
At other times, I cleaned the garbage, or lifted cartons containing what you wear, or what sits in your living room for meals
I wanted everything,
I had less than even nothing.

My friends,
Till the time they were,
Kept me grounded
They told me to remember at all times who I was
To not dream big
It hurts, it hurts bad when you think of things you cannot have
They had done that
And they knew
And so they told me
I was their friend
It was advice they said
I felt my freedom being snatched because of things like this

Writing today,
I have had an epiphany
They didn’t go anywhere
I pushed them away
I never had any family,
They were what I had
I should have stuck with them

But I didn’t and I dreamt
And while movies and books and public speakers will talk about following your dreams and how they’ll be fulfilled
Nobody fucking tells you about the millions of more dreams that get buried in the mud on which happy people stomp and do things that only happy people do, like hug their partners, carry their kids and smile.

I wonder if these ex-friends too felt like I do
Maybe, maybe not
But they had each other
I don’t because I shoved them away

But now, at the end of the struggle that my life has been,
I wonder whether they even are happy
They have girlfriends, and friends, no money but something at least
Do they look at me and others like me and think what I did all those years back – that a life like this offers so much freedom?

Some of them might take a plunge like me
Some might not
But they will always, always crave the other side
The bloody grass is always greener over there, no?

I have thought optimistically about my future, about my life
I have thought, I think pessimistically about my future, if any and my life, if any
Nothing made me happy.

I look at every faggot around me.
Even the rich and famous
And I think, you may ostensibly have everything
But you still want that something that you cannot have,
Such is the nature of life.
You will not have it
And like me, you too will vanish from this world leading an unfulfilled life
And we will meet again, in heaven or hell or whatever it’s called
And we will start at the same place.
I will be unhappy leading the life you do right now
And you will be unhappy leading the life I do right now

You may not know it, or even laugh at this thought.
But you and me are the same.
Depressed souls in a world engulfed with nothing but greed and consequent misery.

 

* Featured Image Courtesy – https://digital-photography-school.com

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